Your Kid Is A Piece Of Shit And It’s Your Fault

magical-1090663_1920News out of the North Pole suggests that Santa is writing letters to your children to apologize for running out of the “Hatchimal.” This comes as a great disappointment as I bought all the Hatchimals to teach your little brats a lesson.

I spoke to Santa, I told him that children were running rampant, becoming too demanding and in truth, becoming little pieces of shit. He agreed.

Santa agreed.

As I recall, the song goes “He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.”

What happened to that, anyway?

When did we start apologizing to children for disappointing them? It’s a toy. How many times did you miss out on the toy you wanted? Remember the bike you wanted? You didn’t get it, you became a better person. You didn’t throw a tantrum and expect a f*cking apology from Santa, did you?

Why are children in charge? What the hell happened here?

PS If Santa is writing letters of apology, maybe he can send one to the children who asked for a cure for their cancer. Maybe the ones who asked for their parents to come back from war. Maybe the ones who asked for the grandparents to not be sick anymore. Maybe the ones who wanted a simple box of friggin crayons. Maybe Santa could apologize to these guys first and your disappointed snowflakes can wait till next year.

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The Enchantress – Laura McGowan

Oh you know me, just over here being different🙂

Sudden Denouement Literary Collective

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The Enchantress by Laura McGowan (Skinny and Single)

His heart burst when she touched his hand.

She was magic, that’s the only explanation. He remembered the sparkle in her eyes, the blush on her cheek as she kissed him goodnight.

The longing overwhelmed him when he drew her portrait in charcoal. Night after night he worked the piece, it would be perfect, it would be beautiful, it would be her.

He was just fifteen when this enchantress came to him. She overwhelmed him, she intoxicated him, she said hello.

Hello.

The words that would forever change the life of a boy, now a man, a man who hungered for this beauty, her soul, her heart, her.

It was a meeting of the soul, a destiny that was beyond explanation.

The stories talk of love, of fairy tales, of soulmates.

They talk of first dates, first kisses, first dances.

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Why I Don’t Vaccinate My Children

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1. I’m an idiot
2. I don’t like poking holes in my children
3. Needles are scary
4. I like when my kids get sick and almost die
5. I like wheelchairs
6. It’s funny watching my children suffer
7. I like getting other people really sick
8. I want everyone to get sick and die
9. I don’t give a shit about you or your children

Yep, all true. All of this is true. Well, except I DID vaccinate my children, look at them walking around all alive and shit, it’s awesome.

PS if you don’t vaccinate your children I’d like to know why.

Edited to add: I do not mean vaccines for chicken pox, HPV or the flu. These are voluntary and you should use caution before making those decisions.

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Wow, You’re So Fat

wow-youre-so-fat“Wow, you’re so fat.”

These words stopped me in my tracks and I just stared with disbelief at the person who said them.

You’re a f*cking bitch, I said, as it took everything I had not to jump the fence and smash her face in.

I stood there numb as the words to a new blog post about body shaming started writing itself in my head.

Here’s why, for twelve years I heard:

So, do you have to go throw up now?

A skinny thing like you can’t possibly finish that.

I’m worried you are anorexic.

So you just never gain weight? You must be ill with something.

In a few months, it went from how skinny I was, to how fat I was.

I guess the whole point of this blog post is maybe it’s time people shut the hell up. You don’t know why I was so thin, you don’t know why I’m so fat. I don’t know why you’re an ugly, hateful bitch but I didn’t bring that up, did I?

PS, my ass has never looked better.

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Ten Reasons Why I’m Wrong To Be Happy

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1. You aren’t happy, so no one else should be either
2. You see someone’s happiness and it makes you sick
3. You are just a bitch
4. No one has ever been nice to you before
5. You have ugly hair
6. Your mom didn’t cuddle you when you were a baby
7. You didn’t switch to Geico
8. You overpaid for a Tickle Me Elmo
9. You are jealous of my ass
10. You didn’t win Grand Supreme Little Darling

Do me a favor. If you see someone happy, leave them alone.

PS if you are wondering what I’m talking about, please see the comments on my About Me page.

 

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Sticks and Stones

sticks-and-stonesSticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

That’s the line, that’s what I’ve been taught all my life. I guess you’re supposed to just brush it off and be grateful they aren’t stoning you, right?

How about when you are called a cracker?

How about being called mayonnaise face?

How about skinny feminist shitlord? Someone googled this and found my blog. Good times.

Here’s a good one:

Violent White Supremacist

Being called a violent white supremacist was the highlight of my week. The. F*cking. Highlight.

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will NEVER hurt me.

Mayo face says haaaaaaay!

Hate Me Faster

Hate Me FasterBlah blah, go ahead and hate me. Super juicy.

The number of hateful comments I’ve received lately has just made me realize that my blog kicks ass. Serious, incredible ass, wait, that’s a mirror.

I have made an effort to anger, enlighten and enrich the lives of those who spend their time here. Good for me!!! I get paid oodles of money and get to read mean tweets for days on end. (I don’t make any money)

I should make a video “Skinny reads mean tweets.” Viral!!!!

One request, can you hate me faster? Don’t throw out a tweet, let me answer and then cry in your bed for a week. Come on now, hate me all at once, I have a life to get back to and you’re wasting my precious time. Why the long, drawn out shit?

I know why you hate me, you hate me because your blog sucks. Wait, not YOUR blog, the other guy.

PS Special shout out to those who spend hours slamming me, thank you, your rage makes me happy.

 

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Three New Ways To Show Kindness

Three New Ways To Show Kindness1. Calm the f*ck down. Don’t worry, we see how important you are! Look at you in your Honda Civic with no muffler, clearly, you are king of the world. You have super important places to be and you don’t care who you kill, you have to be there faster than everyone else. Wanna guess who is more important than you? The school bus and ambulance you just breezed by.

2. See item 1, yes, I’m sorry, the guy was going to jump off a bridge so they closed it. You were two hours late to pick up your kid from the babysitter. They set your kids on fire when you’re late, so I understand your anger. Your need to go on social media and wish the man would just f*cking die already was awesome, really, it warmed the heart to read that.

3. There was a young man who looked lost in your neighbourhood, how about you ask him if he’s ok? How about you don’t go beating him into a coma with a baseball bat. Yes, he was in your driveway, he should be beaten into a coma, shouldn’t he?

People’s impatience and selfish attitudes are tragic. Life isn’t a race, why the damned rush?

PS the world can stop thinking Canadians are nice now, we aren’t, we are a country full of assholes.

 

 

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Dear Doctor Nobody

Doctor NobodyI think it is funny when sanctimonious, know it all’s go ahead and decide that I have a mental illness.

“You must be bipolar”

Oh, must I be? You do realize that doctors that diagnose these illnesses have gone to school for years, right? You have known me for six minutes, you read something I write, you listen to something I say and suddenly you diagnose me as bipolar. Who are you, Dr. Nobody, to diagnose anyone with anything? Oh, your mom was bipolar and so now you know everything. You son is autistic so you are an expert and can diagnose it in an instant.

You can diagnose someone’s illness in five minutes, with no medical background.

Wow that is truly awesome of you, let’s get you a medical license and hook you up with an office of your own. You can sit and diagnose people all the live long day, you deserve it. You are an expert!!!

Ok, so maybe your mom is bipolar, maybe I exhibit similar behavior, sure. Instead of saying “you must be bipolar”, how about you shut up? Try minding your own beeswax for a change.

Stop diagnosing people with illnesses unless you have a medical degree.

“Wow, your leg looks broken, the bone is sticking right out of your skin.” If this is the problem, and that is your diagnosis, yep, you are probably correct. Until my bone is sticking out of my leg, let’s keep our mouths shut, mmkay?

 

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God Doesn’t Make Babies

God Doesn't Make BabiesSex does. Dirty, wonderful, in that ditch over there, sex. Your grandma did it, she liked it!!! Your mom and dad did it, you do it. Oh wait, never mind, you probably don’t.

So, I wrote a post about ugly newborns. I have had nothing but grief about how god doesn’t make ugly babies. On and on people went that my honesty was ugly, I was an ugly person for saying such a horrid, awful thing. Bla bla bla.

Some babies ARE ugly!!! For every person who said “there is no such thing as an ugly baby”, I had three others who said “my kid looked like an alien”, “my kid was hideous for six months”, “I could barely stand to look at him, but don’t tell my wife.”

Oh, so hey, I’m sorry I have the balls (I have my exes, keep ’em in a bag) to say what you can’t, your kid is ugly. Hans Christian Andersen could say it, but not me?

Oh hell ya, I can. Babies CAN be ugly, but even uglier is a liar who can’t face the truth.

PS there was no uglier baby than me, I was almost see through. I was gross, I’m surprised they brought me home, cause ewww.

 

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