Hate Me Faster

Hate Me FasterBlah blah, go ahead and hate me. Super juicy.

The number of hateful comments I’ve received lately has just made me realize that my blog kicks ass. Serious, incredible ass, wait, that’s a mirror.

I have made an effort to anger, enlighten and enrich the lives of those who spend their time here. Good for me!!! I get paid oodles of money and get to read mean tweets for days on end. (I don’t make any money)

I should make a video “Skinny reads mean tweets.” Viral!!!!

One request, can you hate me faster? Don’t throw out a tweet, let me answer and then cry in your bed for a week. Come on now, hate me all at once, I have a life to get back to and you’re wasting my precious time. Why the long, drawn out shit?

I know why you hate me, you hate me because your blog sucks. Wait, not YOUR blog, the other guy.

PS Special shout out to those who spend hours slamming me, thank you, your rage makes me happy.

 

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Three New Ways To Show Kindness

Three New Ways To Show Kindness1. Calm the f*ck down. Don’t worry, we see how important you are! Look at you in your Honda Civic with no muffler, clearly, you are king of the world. You have super important places to be and you don’t care who you kill, you have to be there faster than everyone else. Wanna guess who is more important than you? The school bus and ambulance you just breezed by.

2. See item 1, yes, I’m sorry, the guy was going to jump off a bridge so they closed it. You were two hours late to pick up your kid from the babysitter. They set your kids on fire when you’re late, so I understand your anger. Your need to go on social media and wish the man would just f*cking die already was awesome, really, it warmed the heart to read that.

3. There was a young man who looked lost in your neighbourhood, how about you ask him if he’s ok? How about you don’t go beating him into a coma with a baseball bat. Yes, he was in your driveway, he should be beaten into a coma, shouldn’t he?

People’s impatience and selfish attitudes are tragic. Life isn’t a race, why the damned rush?

PS the world can stop thinking Canadians are nice now, we aren’t, we are a country full of assholes.

 

 

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Dear Doctor Nobody

Doctor NobodyI think it is funny when sanctimonious, know it all’s go ahead and decide that I have a mental illness.

“You must be bipolar”

Oh, must I be? You do realize that doctors that diagnose these illnesses have gone to school for years, right? You have known me for six minutes, you read something I write, you listen to something I say and suddenly you diagnose me as bipolar. Who are you, Dr. Nobody, to diagnose anyone with anything? Oh, your mom was bipolar and so now you know everything. You son is autistic so you are an expert and can diagnose it in an instant.

You can diagnose someone’s illness in five minutes, with no medical background.

Wow that is truly awesome of you, let’s get you a medical license and hook you up with an office of your own. You can sit and diagnose people all the live long day, you deserve it. You are an expert!!!

Ok, so maybe your mom is bipolar, maybe I exhibit similar behavior, sure. Instead of saying “you must be bipolar”, how about you shut up? Try minding your own beeswax for a change.

Stop diagnosing people with illnesses unless you have a medical degree.

“Wow, your leg looks broken, the bone is sticking right out of your skin.” If this is the problem, and that is your diagnosis, yep, you are probably correct. Until my bone is sticking out of my leg, let’s keep our mouths shut, mmkay?

 

Dr Nobody PIn

God Doesn’t Make Babies

God Doesn't Make BabiesSex does. Dirty, wonderful, in that ditch over there, sex. Your grandma did it, she liked it!!! Your mom and dad did it, you do it. Oh wait, never mind, you probably don’t.

So, I wrote a post about ugly newborns. I have had nothing but grief about how god doesn’t make ugly babies. On and on people went that my honesty was ugly, I was an ugly person for saying such a horrid, awful thing. Bla bla bla.

Some babies ARE ugly!!! For every person who said “there is no such thing as an ugly baby”, I had three others who said “my kid looked like an alien”, “my kid was hideous for six months”, “I could barely stand to look at him, but don’t tell my wife.”

Oh, so hey, I’m sorry I have the balls (I have my exes, keep ’em in a bag) to say what you can’t, your kid is ugly. Hans Christian Andersen could say it, but not me?

Oh hell ya, I can. Babies CAN be ugly, but even uglier is a liar who can’t face the truth.

PS there was no uglier baby than me, I was almost see through. I was gross, I’m surprised they brought me home, cause ewww.

 

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Haiku – Kiss

So, hello there. How the heck are you guys?

I know I haven’t posted much lately and that’s because I’ve been writing some “awesome” hiakus instead. Perhaps you will like them.

Here’s one now🙂

1

 

Seven People That Need Punched In The Crotch

Seven People That Need Punched In The CrotchWhile there are hundreds of people who individually need a punch to the junk, I’ve isolated seven personalities that really, really deserve to keep ice on their crotches for a good week or more.

1. Those that call me a feminist. This makes me laugh. If I had my way, I’d let my man take care of the money while I cooked dinners, kept his children clean and happy and kept a clean house. Do you know how many bananas I throw away because I don’t have time to make banana bread? Waaaaaay too many bananas.

2. Those that misunderstand me. They think I’m a bitter, man hating asshole. I am not a man hater, I love them, I think they are cute and want to drag them off to my lair.

3. Those that tell me I’m old. Like I don’t know that already? I have a mirror, bitch, no need to be mean, I know I am old.

4. Actual feminists, yes, it’s important that you make the same money for the same job. I totally agree with that but too many times, really, a woman can’t install four 75 pound tires in the same time as a man. Seen it with my own eyes, you can’t do it honey, so shut yer hole.

5. People who create memes that say “1 out of 4 homeless people are women”, no one cares that the 3 out of 4 homeless people are men, f*ck men, they don’t matter.

6. Bitches that want to be in every area that men used to have for themselves. There are no “men only” gyms, not allowed just boys in boy scouts, girls have to encroach on every single thing that men had on their own. But damn, bitch, don’t allow boys in girl scouts or anything.

7. Stupid women who want days off for their period. Really, pick one, either you are as good as a man or you aren’t. Men don’t take time off for silly nonsense as this.

I am not a feminist, I am not a social justice warrior, I am not a crack pot either. I am a regular woman, I want to take care of my family and treat my spouse well. Why did this become a problem? What the hell happened to women that they are so focused on being better than men that they have lost touch with their feminine instincts, the instinct to love and care for their family.

This makes me sad for future generations, where children are looking for their mother but their mother is too busy slamming men into the ground.

PS, yell at me here.

 

 

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The Sad Clown

The sad clown

I believe the best comedy comes from those battling the biggest demons. As a defense, they use humour just to get through their day. Yes! This IS a good thing, it’s awesome to laugh your troubles away. Sometimes. The sad part about this is they really can’t be themselves with anyone, ever.

They have their job because of their quick wit and charm.

They have their spouse because of the goofiness and finding fun in bad situations.

They have their friends because of the entertainment value.

When can they turn it off? They can’t. There isn’t one person in their life that lets them be real, ever. And crying? Forget it. If everyone around you thinks you are funny, you are the loneliest person on earth. I truly see why comedians kill themselves, people need to be real. If they have to always do that alone, that’s pretty tragic.

Please look around at your friends and loved ones; you see who I’m talking about. Follow the laughter and give them a hug. Hugs mean everything, spread em around.

 

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Coping With A Lost Spouse

Coping With A Lost SpouseFirstly, I’m sorry you lost your spouse. I hope you’re doing ok.

With the relationship ending suddenly, you likely didn’t come to hate them as you may have had they lived. Think about it, another thirty years with that person? Ya ya, sounds wonderful to me too. Since you were once loved so well, and you’re so young, you’re likely to start dating again. That must be extremely difficult. Kudos.

So look at you go, all dating again, love that. I always wondered how a new person would feel about any mementos from a past spouse. There is absolutely no reason for them to be jealous because there is no threat to them. It only shows how much love you are capable of; I think a strong person would welcome that.

Take down the shrine, throw away their teeth and donate clothes to charity, sure. Sacred photos that include your children should be no threat whatsoever to someone who loves you.

What do you think you should be allowed to keep in this situation?

PS My grandmother took a date to granddad’s funeral. Never too soon people, never too soon.

 

 

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My Youngest And Prettiest Self

My Youngest And Prettiest SelfFunny, when I look at someone, I establish three things immediately. Their age, their weight and their social status. I don’t judge them or care, I’m noticing them because I may want to be friends, or put a hammer in their skull. Samesies.

It’s not optional, and I’m not always right.

Well, today I called someone old and ugly, they are several years younger than me. (Nice!!) Does that make me older and uglier? (In my defense, we were researching murderers at the time.)

I do find when I meet people and become friends with them, that initial impression is the one I carry with me. Their youngest and best-looking selves. They can try and tell me they are twenty years older, but to me, they are still that kid from the complex.

I hope that when people look at me, they have the same problem. I want them to see me as I was when we first met, at my youngest and prettiest.

Truthfully, that’s what I always see, my youngest and prettiest self.

PS if an old hag like me can do that, why can’t you?

 

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