Wow, You’re So Fat

wow-youre-so-fat“Wow, you’re so fat.”

These words stopped me in my tracks and I just stared with disbelief at the person who said them.

You’re a f*cking bitch, I said, as it took everything I had not to jump the fence and smash her face in.

I stood there numb as the words to a new blog post about body shaming started writing itself in my head.

Here’s why, for twelve years I heard:

So, do you have to go throw up now?

A skinny thing like you can’t possibly finish that.

I’m worried you are anorexic.

So you just never gain weight? You must be ill with something.

In a few months, it went from how skinny I was, to how fat I was.

I guess the whole point of this blog post is maybe it’s time people shut the hell up. You don’t know why I was so thin, you don’t know why I’m so fat. I don’t know why you’re an ugly, hateful bitch but I didn’t bring that up, did I?

PS, my ass has never looked better.


Elderly Man Pines For Lost Dog

mmrmissingdog0121jpg-jpg-size-custom-crop-851x650I was on Facebook today and found this story on the Toronto Star. It details the story of an 80 year old man named Karl Daniels and his dog Kimbo. Kimbo is a little 10 year old miniature pinscher boxer mix.

Who cares right? Well, everyone should.

The little dog went missing. The little dog was picked up by the Toronto Humane Society. The little dog was adopted by a family.

The family said they were too attached to the dog to return him to his rightful owner. They had the dog for three days, days, not years, days. DAYS.

You heard me, right?

I’m not sure what type of people are so selfish that they refuse to return the dog to his owner. They are sad, pathetic, inhuman pricks.

One of the few things Karl remembers is his dog, he has dementia and his dog is his best friend. Who is now gone. Gone because of the selfishness of this family.

Why am I writing this? I need a favour from you, I want the new owners of this dog to know how hurt his old owner is, because of them.

They are breaking an old man’s heart. They are breaking a little dog’s heart, he must be missing his owner. How can they live with that?


Ten Reasons Why I’m Wrong To Be Happy


1. You aren’t happy, so no one else should be either
2. You see someone’s happiness and it makes you sick
3. You are just a bitch
4. No one has ever been nice to you before
5. You have ugly hair
6. Your mom didn’t cuddle you when you were a baby
7. You didn’t switch to Geico
8. You overpaid for a Tickle Me Elmo
9. You are jealous of my ass
10. You didn’t win Grand Supreme Little Darling

Do me a favor. If you see someone happy, leave them alone.

PS if you are wondering what I’m talking about, please see the comments on my About Me page.



Sticks and Stones

sticks-and-stonesSticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

That’s the line, that’s what I’ve been taught all my life. I guess you’re supposed to just brush it off and be grateful they aren’t stoning you, right?

How about when you are called a cracker?

How about being called mayonnaise face?

How about skinny feminist shitlord? Someone googled this and found my blog. Good times.

Here’s a good one:

Violent White Supremacist

Being called a violent white supremacist was the highlight of my week. The. F*cking. Highlight.

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will NEVER hurt me.

Mayo face says haaaaaaay!

Hate Me Faster

Hate Me FasterBlah blah, go ahead and hate me. Super juicy.

The number of hateful comments I’ve received lately has just made me realize that my blog kicks ass. Serious, incredible ass, wait, that’s a mirror.

I have made an effort to anger, enlighten and enrich the lives of those who spend their time here. Good for me!!! I get paid oodles of money and get to read mean tweets for days on end. (I don’t make any money)

I should make a video “Skinny reads mean tweets.” Viral!!!!

One request, can you hate me faster? Don’t throw out a tweet, let me answer and then cry in your bed for a week. Come on now, hate me all at once, I have a life to get back to and you’re wasting my precious time. Why the long, drawn out shit?

I know why you hate me, you hate me because your blog sucks. Wait, not YOUR blog, the other guy.

PS Special shout out to those who spend hours slamming me, thank you, your rage makes me happy.


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Three New Ways To Show Kindness

Three New Ways To Show Kindness1. Calm the f*ck down. Don’t worry, we see how important you are! Look at you in your Honda Civic with no muffler, clearly, you are king of the world. You have super important places to be and you don’t care who you kill, you have to be there faster than everyone else. Wanna guess who is more important than you? The school bus and ambulance you just breezed by.

2. See item 1, yes, I’m sorry, the guy was going to jump off a bridge so they closed it. You were two hours late to pick up your kid from the babysitter. They set your kids on fire when you’re late, so I understand your anger. Your need to go on social media and wish the man would just f*cking die already was awesome, really, it warmed the heart to read that.

3. There was a young man who looked lost in your neighbourhood, how about you ask him if he’s ok? How about you don’t go beating him into a coma with a baseball bat. Yes, he was in your driveway, he should be beaten into a coma, shouldn’t he?

People’s impatience and selfish attitudes are tragic. Life isn’t a race, why the damned rush?

PS the world can stop thinking Canadians are nice now, we aren’t, we are a country full of assholes.



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Dear Doctor Nobody

Doctor NobodyI think it is funny when sanctimonious, know it all’s go ahead and decide that I have a mental illness.

“You must be bipolar”

Oh, must I be? You do realize that doctors that diagnose these illnesses have gone to school for years, right? You have known me for six minutes, you read something I write, you listen to something I say and suddenly you diagnose me as bipolar. Who are you, Dr. Nobody, to diagnose anyone with anything? Oh, your mom was bipolar and so now you know everything. You son is autistic so you are an expert and can diagnose it in an instant.

You can diagnose someone’s illness in five minutes, with no medical background.

Wow that is truly awesome of you, let’s get you a medical license and hook you up with an office of your own. You can sit and diagnose people all the live long day, you deserve it. You are an expert!!!

Ok, so maybe your mom is bipolar, maybe I exhibit similar behavior, sure. Instead of saying “you must be bipolar”, how about you shut up? Try minding your own beeswax for a change.

Stop diagnosing people with illnesses unless you have a medical degree.

“Wow, your leg looks broken, the bone is sticking right out of your skin.” If this is the problem, and that is your diagnosis, yep, you are probably correct. Until my bone is sticking out of my leg, let’s keep our mouths shut, mmkay?



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God Doesn’t Make Babies

God Doesn't Make BabiesSex does. Dirty, wonderful, in that ditch over there, sex. Your grandma did it, she liked it!!! Your mom and dad did it, you do it. Oh wait, never mind, you probably don’t.

So, I wrote a post about ugly newborns. I have had nothing but grief about how god doesn’t make ugly babies. On and on people went that my honesty was ugly, I was an ugly person for saying such a horrid, awful thing. Bla bla bla.

Some babies ARE ugly!!! For every person who said “there is no such thing as an ugly baby”, I had three others who said “my kid looked like an alien”, “my kid was hideous for six months”, “I could barely stand to look at him, but don’t tell my wife.”

Oh, so hey, I’m sorry I have the balls (I have my exes, keep ’em in a bag) to say what you can’t, your kid is ugly. Hans Christian Andersen could say it, but not me?

Oh hell ya, I can. Babies CAN be ugly, but even uglier is a liar who can’t face the truth.

PS there was no uglier baby than me, I was almost see through. I was gross, I’m surprised they brought me home, cause ewww.


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Haiku – Kiss

So, hello there. How the heck are you guys?

I know I haven’t posted much lately and that’s because I’ve been writing some “awesome” hiakus instead. Perhaps you will like them.

Here’s one now🙂



Seven People That Need Punched In The Crotch

Seven People That Need Punched In The CrotchWhile there are hundreds of people who individually need a punch to the junk, I’ve isolated seven personalities that really, really deserve to keep ice on their crotches for a good week or more.

1. Those that call me a feminist. This makes me laugh. If I had my way, I’d let my man take care of the money while I cooked dinners, kept his children clean and happy and kept a clean house. Do you know how many bananas I throw away because I don’t have time to make banana bread? Waaaaaay too many bananas.

2. Those that misunderstand me. They think I’m a bitter, man hating asshole. I am not a man hater, I love them, I think they are cute and want to drag them off to my lair.

3. Those that tell me I’m old. Like I don’t know that already? I have a mirror, bitch, no need to be mean, I know I am old.

4. Actual feminists, yes, it’s important that you make the same money for the same job. I totally agree with that but too many times, really, a woman can’t install four 75 pound tires in the same time as a man. Seen it with my own eyes, you can’t do it honey, so shut yer hole.

5. People who create memes that say “1 out of 4 homeless people are women”, no one cares that the 3 out of 4 homeless people are men, f*ck men, they don’t matter.

6. Bitches that want to be in every area that men used to have for themselves. There are no “men only” gyms, not allowed just boys in boy scouts, girls have to encroach on every single thing that men had on their own. But damn, bitch, don’t allow boys in girl scouts or anything.

7. Stupid women who want days off for their period. Really, pick one, either you are as good as a man or you aren’t. Men don’t take time off for silly nonsense as this.

I am not a feminist, I am not a social justice warrior, I am not a crack pot either. I am a regular woman, I want to take care of my family and treat my spouse well. Why did this become a problem? What the hell happened to women that they are so focused on being better than men that they have lost touch with their feminine instincts, the instinct to love and care for their family.

This makes me sad for future generations, where children are looking for their mother but their mother is too busy slamming men into the ground.

PS, yell at me here.



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