Five Things To Do Before You Turn Fifty

I am about to turn 48 and I need to do something radical. To be honest, I’m bored, while it’s fun being called an infertile old hag and a whore, it doesn’t cause the adrenaline rush you may think. Before I turn fifty, I have to accomplish these five things. I want to sing to…

He’s A Creep, He’s A Weirdo

Let’s pose a question: Where do you find the bigger creeps? On the internet? Or in real life? I can guarantee you that I’ve met scarier people in real life than I have on the internet. The internet can be a scary place and with enough effort, people can find out where you live. They…

Five Ways To Ensure He Wants More

Since you have a big date coming up on Saturday, I thought we could spend a few minutes talking about ways to get ready. For starters; 1. Spend some quality time sourcing out the variety pack of condoms. There is nothing worse than showing up with the big one and being disappointed. (Disappointed because you…

You’re Perfect, Now Change

Like it or not, there are at least three details that you wish you could change about a new partner. Hair, lose the mullet, the mohawk and the stupid man bun. I’m not spending any time explaining it either, make it go away. Earrings and piercings of any description, get rid of them or else. The…

Five Ways To Avoid Being Clingy

Mother always told me to never call a guy and to wait for him to call. Lame, I’m calling dudes whenever I want, but I’m independent, so I know the line. (Why do I hear laughter?) 1. You don’t have to see or talk to your guy every day. If you haven’t slept with him,…

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

People will show you they love you in dozens of little ways, you don’t need to hear the words. It is easy to see when someone loves you. If a man who loves you hears even the slightest problem with your car, he mentions it to you. He will tell you to have it checked,…

When No One Loves You

This is a terrible feeling of desperation and grief. I picture an elderly lady in an old age home, forgotten by her children and friends. Alone she sits, for days on end, hoping that her child will visit. They never do. I picture a child reaching for a mommy too busy to share a hug…

Who Is Out Of Who’s League

Out of my league, what does that mean? True that I won’t fit into his million dollar lifestyle. I’m not even a high class woman with a three hundred dollar haircut. I will fall off the yacht, trip over my dress, and spill a fifty dollar glass of wine. And I just know I’ll be…

A Hopeless Romantic

I believe in the fairy tale, whether it’s happened for me or not. I believe in happily ever after, even though it’s hard work. I believe in love at first sight, even though my story in that regard was a dismal failure after thirty years. I believe. It’s possible I won’t find my Mr. Right,…

2014 – Reflection

Who’s done with 2014? That’s right, this girl. I don’t mean to be a negative Nellie, but truly, this year sucked. 500 bikers at a funeral. A funeral for a child. A funeral for a father. In the news: Robin Williams, Joan Rivers – dead. Bill Cosby and Jian Ghomeshi – rapists Rob Ford –…