Five Reasons I’m Lucky My Parents Are Dead

Please note I said lucky, not happy. I’m lucky because I never had to consider an old age home for either of my parents. With all the hype and stuff in the news, it’s quite a benefit, isn’t it? However, perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for all the complaints that you hear. 1. Dad…

Five Ways To Avoid Being Clingy

Mother always told me to never call a guy and to wait for him to call. Lame, I’m calling dudes whenever I want, but I’m independent, so I know the line. (Why do I hear laughter?) 1. You don’t have to see or talk to your guy every day. If you haven’t slept with him,…

What To Do If Your Newborn Is Really Ugly

Wow, if you Googled that and got here, I feel really sorry for you. Do you think your little darling is ugly? Are they all wrinkled and red? Hell man, all newborn babies are ugly. They were just squished down a three-inch wide tube. Are they three inches wide? No, they are not, so of course…

If I Was Married Fifty Years

I’ve scrubbed more shit skids out of a grown man’s underwear than I care to imagine. I’ve seen a man throw up, walk into walls and stumble his ass into bed. I’ve seen him refuse to go to the doctor’s, for the simplest thing, to the point it drives a person insane. I’ve seen him acting…

In Case I Get Alzheimer’s

I thought it would be a good idea, in case I get Alzheimer’s, to write down some memories that are dear to me. I’m not expected to get Alzheimer’s, and no one in my family has had it, but I don’t want to lose these memories. When I was a kid my dad would take…

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

People will show you they love you in dozens of little ways, you don’t need to hear the words. It is easy to see when someone loves you. If a man who loves you hears even the slightest problem with your car, he mentions it to you. He will tell you to have it checked,…

Get Back With Your Ex – A Love Story

Well first off, of course he misses you, you are an incredible and amazing woman. He has thought about you every day. He has been reminded of your last encounter a thousand times. Whether it was a fight, or sex, or a quick kiss goodbye, it’s forever stuck in his brain. Isn’t that intoxicating? He…

Happy Father’s Day, Dad

Sadly, he can’t thank me as he passed away in 1987. Sadly, I can’t thank him either. Thank you Dad. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for teaching me to swim, use an axe and start a campfire. Thank you for teaching me about stars, plants and rocks. Thank you for me. Thank…