This Is What Anxiety Feels Like

Every day I stand at my mirror. I don’t have anxiety, I’m fine. Flips hair, I am just fine. Every day I get in my car. I’m fine, I am just fine. Is that a snowflake? My stomach tightens. Does that car want over here? My mouth gets dry. Does that truck see me? My…

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My Ugly Dress

Is it ok that you don’t like my dress? We can still be friends, right? No? So I bought this “cute” orange dress and learned some of my friends think it’s fugly. They were with me when I bought it and said nothing at the time. They created signs, hats and costumes to protest my…

She’s The One Who Died

Don’t grieve for her lost child. She’s the one who died. Don’t tell her the pain is too much to bear. She’s the one who died. Don’t tell her there will be others. She’s the one who died. Don’t say it. she can’t hear. Because she’s the one who died.

Your Kid Is A Piece Of Shit And It’s Your Fault

News out of the North Pole suggests that Santa is writing letters to your children to apologize for running out of the “Hatchimal.” This comes as a great disappointment as I bought all the Hatchimals to teach your little brats a lesson. I spoke to Santa, I told him that children were running rampant, becoming…

Why I Don’t Vaccinate My Children

1. I’m an idiot 2. I don’t like poking holes in my children 3. Needles are scary 4. I like when my kids get sick and almost die 5. I like wheelchairs 6. It’s funny watching my children suffer 7. I like getting other people really sick 8. I want everyone to get sick and…

Wow, You’re So Fat

“Wow, you’re so fat.” These words stopped me in my tracks and I just stared with disbelief at the person who said them. You’re a f*cking bitch, I said, as it took everything I had not to jump the fence and smash her face in. I stood there numb as the words to a new…

Ten Reasons Why I’m Wrong To Be Happy

1. You aren’t happy, so no one else should be either 2. You see someone’s happiness and it makes you sick 3. You are just a bitch 4. No one has ever been nice to you before 5. You have ugly hair 6. Your mom didn’t cuddle you when you were a baby 7. You…

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. That’s the line, that’s what I’ve been taught all my life. I guess you’re supposed to just brush it off and be grateful they aren’t stoning you, right? How about when you are called a cracker? How about being called mayonnaise face?…