Slut Shaming Sluts

Look, you don’t want to be slut shamed? Don’t be a damned slut! I’ve been told that slut shaming is wrong. Women should be allowed to have indiscriminate sex with multiple partners without church goers like me looking down on them. Oh, ok, damn, did I f*ck up again? Silly, lily white me. So a…

Five Things I Learned This Week

1. If you have an abortion, you are exactly the same as Hitler. Yep, killing one baby is exactly the same as 42 million. Yep, because one dollar and 42 million dollars are the same. 2. Pro-life people will threaten you with death just because you support abortion. Yep, so true, my support of a…

Tips For Fighting Migraine

Who gets migraines? I do! I do! I have spent many an hour convincing myself that a migraine was a just free light show and hangover. Really, they CAN be fun. Ok, I’m lying, just like I lied when I said I was enjoying my menopause. I get migraines from various sources: Fluorescent lighting Computer…

Ain’t No Sunshine When He’s Gone

It was the worst day of my life. There was no smell of coffee greeting me at the top of the stairs. There was no coffee waiting for me on the table. In the kitchen, there was no coffee brewing, there was no coffee at all. The darkest, saddest and coldest day of my life.…

My Ugly Dress

Is it ok that you don’t like my dress? We can still be friends, right? No? So I bought this “cute” orange dress and learned some of my friends think it’s fugly. They were with me when I bought it and said nothing at the time. They created signs, hats and costumes to protest my…

Your Kid Is A Piece Of Shit And It’s Your Fault

News out of the North Pole suggests that Santa is writing letters to your children to apologize for running out of the “Hatchimal.” This comes as a great disappointment as I bought all the Hatchimals to teach your little brats a lesson. I spoke to Santa, I told him that children were running rampant, becoming…

Why I Don’t Vaccinate My Children

1. I’m an idiot 2. I don’t like poking holes in my children 3. Needles are scary 4. I like when my kids get sick and almost die 5. I like wheelchairs 6. It’s funny watching my children suffer 7. I like getting other people really sick 8. I want everyone to get sick and…

Wow, You’re So Fat

“Wow, you’re so fat.” These words stopped me in my tracks and I just stared with disbelief at the person who said them. You’re a f*cking bitch, I said, as it took everything I had not to jump the fence and smash her face in. I stood there numb as the words to a new…

Ten Reasons Why I’m Wrong To Be Happy

1. You aren’t happy, so no one else should be either 2. You see someone’s happiness and it makes you sick 3. You are just a bitch 4. No one has ever been nice to you before 5. You have ugly hair 6. Your mom didn’t cuddle you when you were a baby 7. You…

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me. That’s the line, that’s what I’ve been taught all my life. I guess you’re supposed to just brush it off and be grateful they aren’t stoning you, right? How about when you are called a cracker? How about being called mayonnaise face?…