Wrinkle Free Sheets

I heard an ad today for wrinkle free sheets and damn, I am so excited. For the low price of 99.99, I can finally have sheets that won’t wrinkle as I roll around having menopause fueled nightmares. Isn’t this just everyone’s dream come true? A frickin dream come true. Having wrinkled sheets has always been…

New Bloggers Suck

My pal suggested I start writing my rants on my blog rather than my Facebook page. Could be because she’s sick of reading my Facebook page, or secretly wants my blog to tank. Joke is on her, my blog tanked in February. Thanks Pinterest, thanks for nothing. I’ve noticed there are a lot of new…

Five Reasons Dogs Are Not People

So yesterday I spent a good five hours in a heated conversation (with lunatics) about how I must be an animal abuser for calling a dog a dog. Look, I called it a dog because it’s a dog, not for any other reason. Loving an animal as much as a human does not make it…

Slut Shaming Sluts

Look, you don’t want to be slut shamed? Don’t be a damned slut! I’ve been told that slut shaming is wrong. Women should be allowed to have indiscriminate sex with multiple partners without church goers like me looking down on them. Oh, ok, damn, did I f*ck up again? Silly, lily white me. So a…

Five Things I Learned This Week

1. If you have an abortion, you are exactly the same as Hitler. Yep, killing one baby is exactly the same as 42 million. Yep, because one dollar and 42 million dollars are the same. 2. Pro-life people will threaten you with death just because you support abortion. Yep, so true, my support of a…

Ain’t No Sunshine When He’s Gone

It was the worst day of my life. There was no smell of coffee greeting me at the top of the stairs. There was no coffee waiting for me on the table. In the kitchen, there was no coffee brewing, there was no coffee at all. The darkest, saddest and coldest day of my life.…

My Ugly Dress

Is it ok that you don’t like my dress? We can still be friends, right? No? So I bought this “cute” orange dress and learned some of my friends think it’s fugly. They were with me when I bought it and said nothing at the time. They created signs, hats and costumes to protest my…

Your Kid Is A Piece Of Shit And It’s Your Fault

News out of the North Pole suggests that Santa is writing letters to your children to apologize for running out of the “Hatchimal.” This comes as a great disappointment as I bought all the Hatchimals to teach your little brats a lesson. I spoke to Santa, I told him that children were running rampant, becoming…

Why I Don’t Vaccinate My Children

1. I’m an idiot 2. I don’t like poking holes in my children 3. Needles are scary 4. I like when my kids get sick and almost die 5. I like wheelchairs 6. It’s funny watching my children suffer 7. I like getting other people really sick 8. I want everyone to get sick and…