Children test my patience, frequently. They do not give one shit. Worse, since the little brats aren’t mine, I can’t take away one block of their new Lego carousel and ruin their little lives. So here, I’ve collected four times I’ve actually lost my damned shit on your precious darlings.
1. You had a three year old and a newborn in a stroller, you were getting a coffee. Both of the children were quiet BUT the big one was smashing the little one on the head with a piece of wood. Yes, I flipped.
2. It was clear that you didn’t give a shit that your kid picked up his toy and shot me right in the face. I cared. He is lucky I didn’t drown him as I could have lost an eye. Of course you sat there like a complete, worthless asshole.
3. Remember when your kid came at me full speed with a shopping cart? When I said that if she had hit me, she’d be the one crying on the floor in a little puddle? I guess I could have waited for you to say something…. ohhhh, that’s right, I waited.
4. You were in your car, warm and toasty because it was freezing out. Your kid was getting your pizza because you’re a lazy, stupid bitch. Your kid kept pressing the handicapped button for the door leaving it open for a solid ten minutes. Man, there is nothing more fun than pressing a f*cking button, buttons are the most fun things on this planet. By the time the kid was done with his little game, we were all frozen. I. Lost. My. Mind.
Aw, I bet you’d like to know what happened? The glorious shit kicking that came my way?
I’m too adorable to get shit kicked, and more importantly, I’m always right.