Five Reasons Dogs Are Not People


So yesterday I spent a good five hours in a heated conversation (with lunatics) about how I must be an animal abuser for calling a dog a dog. Look, I called it a dog because it’s a dog, not for any other reason. Loving an animal as much as a human does not make it human. Dogs are not your children, yes, even though you can’t have children of your own, that doesn’t magically make animals human.

Dogs are not human. This is a fact.

Here are five actual reasons why dogs are not people.

1. Dogs eat their own shit. Do people do that? I have never seen a person sniffing around their backyard and eating shit. Never, I’ve never heard of it either. It does not happen.

2. Dogs clean themselves and their puppies with their tongues. When people give birth, do they lick down the baby? Here I am, all licking down the baby. No, just no.

3. Scruffy spends half his day licking its own balls. Do you do that?

4. I have never once stuffed my nose into my friend’s asshole. I’ve never stuffed my nose into a stranger’s asshole, in fact, I keep my nose out of assholes as a general rule.

5. When I take my dog on a plane, it goes into the cargo section. It’s not sitting with me on the plane, it’s not having a nice Chablis in first class, it is in a crate.

When people start eating shit and licking down their newborns, talk to me…. Until then, dogs will be dogs and people will be people. They are not the same.

PS don’t get me started on the word “Fur baby”. Just don’t.


67 thoughts on “Five Reasons Dogs Are Not People

  1. You should write a book about everything that frustrates you and I promise I’ll be the first to buy a copy :’)

    The sniffing at butts! Whenever I see dogs do that, I am so grateful I am not a dog. I even said that once to my friend, who is a dog-breeder, and she burst out laughing. Never had she given it a moment’s thought. Just imagine that sniffing being the common way to great another human – not me!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. THANK YOU!!!!! My friends just dropped 18 grand in vet bills to revive their 19 year old cat. “He’s not finishing his fucking memoir, let him go!” They aren’t human, stop projecting your huge fear of death onto them

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pet obsession is quite common. and believe me, there are people who give more regards to their dogs than to any human on earth. But dogs are dogs they can’t be human. Quite a good line up of reasons.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. HAHAHA! I am a dog lover and cradled mine in my arms like newborns because I am fucking crazy, but this assessment is hilarious. AND SO TRUE! Dog people are not normal, and I have no doubt that some of them out there have gotten down on all fours and nibbled some sun-dried shit so that Newman learns it’s. Very. Bad. 🙄 They have. I know it. So glad your brain has been brought to my attention. Loved all of this!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, there’s a saying: “A dog is a man’s best friend.” No human races around the house and screams with joy when you come home. Humans used to have children. Now they have dogs. In my book, there is no substitute for a child. But dogs are way-y-y cheaper to raise. You don’t have to pay for the bachelor’s degree. Maybe some people have dogs because they can still afford to take lots of vacations, have expensive cars, etc. “Five reasons dogs are not people” is both hilarious and true. Others’ posts are gems, too. [I do not have a dog.]

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Skinny and single, I note you also have written: “Dear Women Who Don’t Want Children,” showing an open mind. Much truth in that one, too. So, if they have dogs instead of children, who am I to judge? Maybe that is better for society.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Loved this. Laughed so hard!! HAD to share it on my page.

    But on a serious note: it pisses me right off when people treat their dogs like children. Or pet stores were you drop $40 on some dumb outfit for your dog to wear . Are you kidding me!? People are frickin dying of starvation, aids, poverty, and you’d rather spend that $40 on a ballerina tutu for your shitzu than give it to a soup kitchen.

    Glad I got that off my chest. I know I Came off a little judgemental but…maybe I am. Dogs are dogs. I have one and I love him and give him a good life, but he is not on the same level as my kids.

    I think we should be kind to all creatures. Except mosquitoes. But there is such thing as crossing the line, and treating dogs like kids is that line.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wait. The dog didn’t ask for the tutu? Throw a tantrum? And you finally gave in to keep him from throwing himself on the floor and screaming? So much to learn.

      Great comment and I love and appreciate that you shared 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Pingback: Dog as family; dog as friend; dog as dog | Bill Mosca's space

  9. Just gotta comment on this one:

    1. Chablis in 1st Class is probably more from the eighties,,,it’s Chardonnay now,,,,I think.
    2. Be careful,,,,some weird ones like nose in butt!
    3. Dogs are not people,,,,you’re so right-
    4. I do not spend half my day licking my balls,,,,can’t reach them- but I do scratch them occasionally.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Lol! Also, people don’t look for “just the right spot to pee.” I will look for a cleaner bathroom stall but, not because it smells like other pee!

    Oh and I like ve when dog owners act like it’s no big deal that their dog jumps all over you, like afternoon I just had a c-section or got a ton of dog hair all over my black clothes.

    All that said, I still think dogs are better than a lot of people…people in general that is..

    Liked by 1 person

  11. OMG this is great! I love dogs but I treat them with respect and let them be a dog! There are so many badly behaved dogs now because they are so babied (literally) and spoiled. I live near a coffee shop where people tie up their “beloved baby” outside letting it bark for an hour. The dog is stressed in my books but that is probably because he has separation anxiety because he isn’t left alone for more than 30 mins a day. I actually cringe when I hear “come to mommy” or “daddy’s home!” These are not children and the dog owners are not parents. Have you ever really looked at a dogs face when they are wearing weird outfits? They are embarrassed. 😉


Yell at me here:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s