So you don’t like Trump, you’re going to escape him by going to America’s 51st state. I like when you call us America’s hat, that makes you our shirt, cool, maybe grow some tits. People from everywhere are dying to get into Canada, but when they get here, it’s never quite what they expected. Before you go through all that time and effort, let me explain what you’re getting into.
You’re going to have to learn how to be polite! Try saying “thank you” once, just to practice. Also we say “sorry?” or “pardon?” when we can’t hear you, not “wut?”, we also say sorry to inanimate objects we bump into. If you don’t, people look at you weird.
Oh and the lovely french language, it’s so easy to learn, you’ll love it since it’s the only language spoken after work hours.
Oh no, he has a foyer in his house? Better call the foyer department. (We think your house is burning down.)
After all these years of denying it, you are gonna have to learn the metric system, it’s easy, you just have to know math. Multiply anything by 52, divide it by 74 and you have exactly what you need to know. Works for everything.
You can still own a gun, but you have to keep it in a safe. This way your children don’t shoot each other. It’s neat!
Moose have the right of way on all roadways, well, otherwise you die.
Don’t worry, the tall, slim and pale people aren’t sick, they just don’t get any sun. It’s weird, right?
Our porn channels are free for homosexuals. You can apply for free porn, again, you need to know math.
Prostitution is illegal, but a stripper will go completely nude and will grind your lap for $20. You bring your own towel, never forget the towel.
No biscuits and gravy, gumbo or grits. No chicken fried meats, frito pie or Rotel. Oh, you can’t get cheese in a squeeze bottle here, bring lots, for me.
Cheap polar bear meat!!! You set traps in your backyard for them. Delicious.
Our foot long hot dogs are called 304.8-millimetre hot dogs. To order 2 you say give me 609.6-millimetre dogs, please. More math, we like math.
There is a maple syrup faucet in your kitchen, it’s 300 dollars a month and NOT optional.
We put raw clam juice in our bloody marys. Neat eh?
Our skunks and raccoons have rabies, all of them, they nibble your children. Good news though! The bears don’t have rabies, so you’ll be fine.
It’s quiet without all the shooting, so you should make a recording of your neigbourhood’s sounds so you can sleep at night. And did you notice we have a U in neighbourhood?
Tailgate parties are forbidden and illegal. Actually, when you think about it, most fun things are illegal here.
Lastly, make sure you buy glacier insurance on your home. They creep up on you.
Still coming? Trump’s looking pretty good now eh?
Oh, if you do come, one thing won’t change, you will always ridicule your neighbours to the south!