You Want To Move To Canada? Yay!

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So you don’t like Trump, you’re going to escape him by going to America’s 51st state. I like when you call us America’s hat, that makes you our shirt, cool, maybe grow some tits. People from everywhere are dying to get into Canada, but when they get here, it’s never quite what they expected. Before you go through all that time and effort, let me explain what you’re getting into.

You’re going to have to learn how to be polite! Try saying “thank you” once, just to practice. Also we say “sorry?” or “pardon?” when we can’t hear you, not “wut?”, we also say sorry to inanimate objects we bump into. If you don’t, people look at you weird.

Oh and the lovely french language, it’s so easy to learn, you’ll love it since it’s the only language spoken after work hours.

Oh no, he has a foyer in his house? Better call the foyer department. (We think your house is burning down.)

After all these years of denying it, you are gonna have to learn the metric system, it’s easy, you just have to know math. Multiply anything by 52, divide it by 74 and you have exactly what you need to know. Works for everything.

You can still own a gun, but you have to keep it in a safe. This way your children don’t shoot each other. It’s neat!

Moose have the right of way on all roadways, well, otherwise you die.

Don’t worry, the tall, slim and pale people aren’t sick, they just don’t get any sun. It’s weird, right?

Our porn channels are free for homosexuals. You can apply for free porn, again, you need to know math.

Prostitution is illegal, but a stripper will go completely nude and will grind your lap for $20. You bring your own towel, never forget the towel.

No biscuits and gravy, gumbo or grits. No chicken fried meats, frito pie or Rotel. Oh, you can’t get cheese in a squeeze bottle here, bring lots, for me.

Cheap polar bear meat!!! You set traps in your backyard for them. Delicious.

Our foot long hot dogs are called 304.8-millimetre hot dogs. To order 2 you say give me 609.6-millimetre dogs, please. More math, we like math.

There is a maple syrup faucet in your kitchen, it’s 300 dollars a month and NOT optional.

We put raw clam juice in our bloody marys. Neat eh?

Our skunks and raccoons have rabies, all of them, they nibble your children. Good news though! The bears don’t have rabies, so you’ll be fine.

It’s quiet without all the shooting, so you should make a recording of your neigbourhood’s sounds so you can sleep at night. And did you notice we have a U in neighbourhood?

Tailgate parties are forbidden and illegal. Actually, when you think about it, most fun things are illegal here.

Lastly, make sure you buy glacier insurance on your home. They creep up on you.

Still coming? Trump’s looking pretty good now eh?

Oh, if you do come, one thing won’t change, you will always ridicule your neighbours to the south!

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104 thoughts on “You Want To Move To Canada? Yay!

  1. Its a good thing my desk chair has arms so I didn’t fall on the floor. Just, plaease, don’t build a wall to keep the refugees out. And, which side of the house should I put the motion detector alarm on to make sure the glacier doesn’t sneak up on me?

    Liked by 1 person

    • But they haven’t learned Celsius yet. So -6c is confusing to the Canadian “shirt” folks. Remember to multiply by 52 and divide by 74. I am pretty sure temperature was an intentional omission until they got the math thing figured out. You gotta crawl before you can walk.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Canadian french ? Very very odd pronounciation.
    A bit too much winter for my taste. But since they no longer have a far right prime minister and Betty 2 stays head of state, why not? At least they are not the US.

    Like

  3. I’m thinking of packing up and moving. Before I do so I’m sending my Brother of another mother there in 3 weeks to check things out. Heaven help you all now.I suggest all women stay indoors for the month he’s there.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Love it. Laughing. I didn’t go to Canada in the late 1960s because my guy didn’t get drafted for the Vietnam War. But Trump? I’m reconsidering.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Do you know that some say the world will end in ice? some say that fire will suffice? From what I know of the film Day after Tomorrow, and life on the outbacks of Minnesota (western) for seven years (only -20 F in my lifetime), I will have to decline to make the move. However, I do miss the frozen wastelands for two reasons: snuggling/cuddling under winter blankets, and for being always able to get a glass of ice cold water! You are too funny. I wold make it in Canada, don’tchaknow?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Still LOLLING here! Fantastic Laura. I do have to add, after being away in Arizona for 2 months and having a few ‘bloody ceasars’ they never came with clamato juice, and nobody seemed to know what I was talking about, lol. Oh, and you forgot to write that WE ALL live in igloos.
    I’d think when they take a look at the way we are taxed on tax on tax, and the price of our housing, they may think twice. Maybe Trump has to put up ‘the wall’ on the Canadian border to keep his patriots home?
    LOL, love it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I LOVE this post! I laughed so hard through it I thought my funny bone was going to shatter.

    I want the Burn Sander and Hilarity Can’t-win people to move to Canada. Then y’all can listen to them complain that everyone should have free heat without the indignity of chopping the wood that goes into the fire. 🙂

    In case you didn’t know, I lived in Minnesota for 2 years and Wisconsin for 7. I never want to be that close to a Canadian-style winter again. I’m content to eat my cheese grits and watch all the disgruntled people try to move to Canada.

    It’s no wonder that voting for Trump is becoming so popular. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This rocks! I have been stumbling into so many great blogs! Your work–it’s spirit–reminds me of some of my favorite poets’ work–particularly Jen Currin (who might be Canadian 😉 So much energy! I love it. Grateful to NOW be following you. With Joy and Peace, Zach from StrengthsLife.com

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. I don’t think I can learn the metric system, so I’m stuck here after all! I also recently explained tail gates to a new friend of mine who is Canadian. I didn’t know they weren’t everywhere!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That is the stupidest blog post I have ever read. I am from Canada and its 85 degrees here right now, the only place I have seen a moose is in Maine and I know only five words in French.

    Like

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  13. So, probably my favourite post so far on your blog! I quite literally laughed out loud.

    I feel like we need to warn them about the mosquitoes and black flies. And how bug spray doesn’t work – the only thing that keeps them away is playing Nickleback loudly. Not even mosquitoes can stand them.

    And remind everyone it’s called a toque, not a beanie.

    Liked by 1 person

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