Four Ways To Make Your Life Shorter

Four Ways to Make Your Life ShorterEveryone always goes on about how short life is, but truly, I’m looking at this eighty-year-old and he sure doesn’t feel that way. He wanted to die ten years ago when his money ran out, but nooooo. Every frigging day that he wakes up, he’s pissed.

So I came up with a few ways to shorten your life span, and dammit, have fun too!

1. Pay a twenty-five-year-old to bang your brains out. Dude, girls are broke. She can probably have you dead for less than a hundred bucks.

2. Instead of caring how much butter and sugar you have, mix them together and eat it with a spoon. Oh, you have chocolate chips? Sure, throw those in.

3. Add seven shots of whiskey to your diet. This will speed up your liver shut down, tout suite.

4. Start smoking, working with asbestos and take a window cleaning job, if you aren’t dead within six months, I give up on you.

Smoke it, drink it, you will die anyways. I guess what I’m saying is, regardless of how long of a life you get, make that bitch count.

Truly, I don’t want my legacy to be that I died in my kale salad, we need to be remembered. Life is only short when it’s wasted.



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51 thoughts on “Four Ways To Make Your Life Shorter

  1. lol, I love your posts and always look forward to them. They’re always good for a laugh.
    I’d have to agree with everything you wrote. Either way we’re going to die, so what’s the point in not living it to it’s fullest even if it’s eating a bunch of fat or smoking a pack a day or whatever it is. Might as well live it up while we got it to live right?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hear this: LAUGHTER OUT LOUD! But a funny hah-hah is followed by a sobering thought or two. (I’ve been off the booze for almost two years now. I have not had ONE hangover since.) Kale is ok, but I agree: No heart attacks into my kale salad! So, laughter is the best medicine: you have given me another spoonful–or should I have a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down? PLEASE continue to have these black-humorous thoughts, then share them with us your Followers. :o)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lol, I am always laughing even when it’s not funny to others…Kale help no! Unless you are about having the green thumb. But sugar & butter now you talking…Yea BABY!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If I tip over in me dinner… I hope it’s a big fat toad-in-the-hole I face plant, rather than a salad. Can’t think of a better way to get to heaven than on a bed of Yorkshire-Pudd…!

    Having said that… be careful what you wish for springs to mind… I’m gonna be nervous around those toads from here on in πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You could also write a blog post that is just controversial enough to get some angry bastard to hunt you down. I’ve been close, but my work is apparently not worth the jail time for the indignant fool with too much time on his hands. I think you could pull it off. lol

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Sorry, I’m cracking up here. I’ve loved every word you have written. This one is hilarious. I could easily outlive my money but by golly, I’m going to enjoy every penny, minute and morsel in the meantime. Keep telling it like it is. :))

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I smoke, I drink, I play racquetball, and I stick my nose into situations that can be dangerous. With my military history, I didn’t think I would see nineteen years old, but the joke was on me. I decided that life needed to be lived to the max, and at 65 years now, when I think I should slow down there is a voice that whispers “don’t be a pussy – go for it!” As for paying a twenty-five year old to bang my brains out – I’ve been married since I was twenty, and I doubt I have enough brains to make it worthwhile for her. Love your work (as always) so live forever, OK?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My friend gave me the greeting card that says “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly worn out and screaming woo hoo what a ride!” I think we should walk fast and fall down occasionally. Life is too good to waste.


    Liked by 1 person

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