Everyone always goes on about how short life is, but truly, I’m looking at this eighty-year-old and he sure doesn’t feel that way. He wanted to die ten years ago when his money ran out, but nooooo. Every frigging day that he wakes up, he’s pissed.
So I came up with a few ways to shorten your life span, and dammit, have fun too!
1. Pay a twenty-five-year-old to bang your brains out. Dude, girls are broke. She can probably have you dead for less than a hundred bucks.
2. Instead of caring how much butter and sugar you have, mix them together and eat it with a spoon. Oh, you have chocolate chips? Sure, throw those in.
3. Add seven shots of whiskey to your diet. This will speed up your liver shut down, tout suite.
4. Start smoking, working with asbestos and take a window cleaning job, if you aren’t dead within six months, I give up on you.
Smoke it, drink it, you will die anyways. I guess what I’m saying is, regardless of how long of a life you get, make that bitch count.
Truly, I don’t want my legacy to be that I died in my kale salad, we need to be remembered. Life is only short when it’s wasted.