My Online Dating Profile

My Online Dating ProfileAs a progressive and independent lady, you should always have an online dating profile ready to go. There could be a new website any day that will take you, I’m assuming you’ve been blocked from all the others. Oh, just me? Ok.

With that said, here is mine:


Wow, are you sad you ended up here? I have no picture up and other than this profile, you have nothing to go on. Let’s fill a boy in!

I am a tall, blonde alcoholic with a great ass (in my mind anyway, and I’m the only one that counts.) I have been called crazy, I’ve been called amazing and when you call and the phone rings, I get mad. I am really happy when you put pickles on my plate, but they have to be the correct pickles. Are you kidding me with these shit pickles?

I can be counted on to make a bad situation worse by opening my mouth, I am useless in an emergency. Well, if you need me to start screaming at people, hey, I’m in.

Um, don’t let me talk is what I’m saying. If you are the guy that can keep me from opening my mouth, then you need to come over and fast.

I invite you to answer these fourΒ questions:

If you had an hour to yourself at home, how would you spend it?

If your mom called in the middle of the afternoon afraid that something was flooding, what would you do?

If you didn’t like the meal you were served, how would you treat the waitress?

Are you going to bug the living f*ck out of me if I decide we aren’t suited?


I guess this is my online profile, maybe I should have lied. What would yours say?

 

#MidLifeLuv Linky
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60 thoughts on “My Online Dating Profile

  1. If I had an hour to myself? I’d be on the net just like I am now.

    If Momma called? That would be one helluva long distance call given Momma is dead and cremated. No, I don’t wanna know the area code that she would be calling from.

    The waitress didn’t cook the meal. She just served it. Some knucklehead in the kitchen cooked the meal. Give me the manager so I can bend their ear. The waitress gets tipped for her service.

    Bug the shit outa you? Hell ya. I’m a stalker. Or am I a perv? I can never keep them straight.

    Oh well. at least you have a great ass … or so you say. then again you could always use someone else’s pic in your profile. you could be doing that now. crap. now I’m wondering if your avatar pic is you or your neighbor.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Married. Not looking. If I was looking, I’m not sure I’d go to the dating sites. I have 5 other males in the house with a great attitude, lots of hair and all they want from me is to snuggle in bed. As long as they can sleep in my bed and have enough dog & cat food to keep their tummies full, they’re happy. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. this just in… s&s is a 300 lb. fat guy!

    lol

    just thought I’d throw that out there; could throw some of the hounds off the scent!

    ok, here goes…

    Wanted: one good used woman, loser friendly, low mileage, (lady driven? bwahahaha! hell, why not?) bonus points for good humour and amazing personality (both trump the snot out of looks – imo)(however, given the first 2, extra bonus points for looks!)(haha) (no, I’m serious)

    but wait! if you act now….!

    :?P

    Would be nice to be on the same page politically, too. I mean, don’t you want to know when you’re sleeping with the enemy? lol But more importantly – maybe it’s just me, I don’t know – I just find it a lot easier to love someone who’s not cancelling my damn vote!!!

    skinz, you may be overqualified for the job (just too damn hawt), my soulmate in absentia. make a pact now to never discuss politics until this wannabe fledgling friendship is fully consummated! (where do I sign?)

    ;?)

    Liked by 3 people

  4. These are my answers to your 4 questions. Hang on. I’ve got to scroll back up to read them again. Whew ! Back !
    Q1 Masticate …. cookies washed down with coffee .
    Q2 Tell her that her nappies are under the bathroom sink.
    Q3 I would tip the waitress after beating hell out of the waiter that served me.
    Q4 Bug hug my friend πŸ˜€ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha! I love it! Mine would say, “NOT LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE! If you want that, keep walking!” I don’t have a dating profile though and I’m not looking to start one any time soon so I honestly don’t know what else I would say besides the marriage thing. LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mine says I don’t date narcissists (been there) , serial killers or men that live with their mothers.

    I also will only do a first date with a quick exit strategy such as a restaurant back door or a cliff I can jump off.

    P.S. most men don’t even read your profile bio.

    Liked by 1 person

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